So stay with us because laterthis afternoon,
we're lucky enough to be talking toAnna Scott,
Hollywood's biggeststarby far.
Miss Scott's latest film is once again topping the charts.
Ofcourse l've seen herfilms...
andalways thought she was, well, fabulous.
But, you know, a million, million miles from the worldllive in...
which is here, Notting Hill, my favorite bit ofLondon.
There's the market on weekdays selling everyfruit and vegetable known to man.
Rock-hard bananas, five for a pound !
The tattooparlor with aguy outside whogot drunk...
andnowcan't remember why he chose "l love Ken. "
The radicalhairdressers...
where everyone comes out looking like the Cookie Monster,
whetherthey want to ornot.
Andthen, suddenly, it's the weekend,
andfrom break ofday hundreds ofstalls appearout ofnowhere,
filling Portobello Road, right up to Notting Hill Gate.
And whereveryou look thousands of people are buying millions ofantiques,
somegenuine andsome... not quitesogenuine.
And what'sgreat is that lots offriends have endedup in thispart ofLondon.
That's Tony, forexample, architect turnedchef,
who recently investedall the money he everearnedin a newrestaurant.
Andso, this is where lspendmy days andyears...
in this small village in the middle of the city in a house with a blue door...
that my wife andlbought together before she left me fora man...
who lookedexactly like Harrison Ford.
And where lleada strange half-life with a lodgercalled--
Spike !
You couldn't help me with an incredibly important decision, could you ?
Important compared to, let's say, whether they cancel Third World debt ?
That's right. I am at last going out on a date with the greatJanine,
and I just wanna be sure I've picked the right T-shirt.
- What are the choices ? - Well, wait for it.
First there's this one. Cool, huh ?
Yeah, it might make it hard to strike a really romantic note.
Point taken. Don't despair.
If it's romance we're looking for, I believe I havejust the thing.
Yeah, well, there again, she might not thinkyou had true love on your mind.
Right. Just one more.
True love here lcome.
Well, yeah. Yeah, that's-- that's, um, perfect.
Great. Thanks.
- Wish me luck. - Good luck.
Andso it was just anotherhopeless Wednesday,
asl walkedthe thousandyards through the market to work,
neversuspecting that this was the day that wasgonna change my life forever.
This is work, by the way, my little travelbookshop,
- Morning, Martin. - Morning, Monsignor.
which, um, well, sells travelbooks,
and, to be frank withyou, doesn 't always sellmany ofthose.
Classic. Profit from major sales push,
minus £347.
Shall I, uh, go and get you a cappuccino ?
- You know, ease the pain a bit. - Yeah, yeah.
Better make it a half. All I can afford.
Get your logic. Demi-cappu coming right up.
Um, can I help you at all ?
No, thanks. I'll just... look around.
Fine.
Uh, that book's really not great.
Just in case, you know, browsing turned to buying. You'd be wasting your money.
But if it's Turkey you're interested in,
um, this one, on the other hand, is very good.
Um, I think the man who wrote it has actually been to Turkey, which helps.
Um, there's also a very amusing incident with a kebab,
um, which is one of many amusing incidents.
Thanks. I'll think about it.
Or, in the biggerhardback variety, there's--
l'm sorry. Canyoujustgive me a second?
Excuse me.
- Yes ? - Bad news.
What ?
We've got a security camera in this bit ofthe shop.
So ?
So I saw you put that book down your trousers.
- What book ? - The one down your trousers.
I don't have a book down my trousers.
Right.
ltellyou what. Um, l'll call thepolice, and, um,
if I'm wrong about the whole "book down the trousers" scenario,
I really apologize.
Okay. What if... I did have a book down my trousers ?
Well, ideally, when l went back to the desk,
you'd remove the Cadogan Guide to Bali from your trousers...
and either wipe it and put it back or buy it.
I'll see you in a sec.
I'm sorry about that.
No, it's fi ne.
I was gonna steal one, but now I've changed my mind.
Oh, signed by the author, I see.
Um, yeah, couldn't stop him.
Ifyou can fi nd an unsigned one, it's worth an absolute fortune.
Excuse me.
- Yes ? - Can I have your autograph ?
Uh, sure.
- What's your name ? - Rufus.
What does it say ?
That's my signature. And above it, it says, "Dear Rufus, you belong in jail."
Good one.
- Do you want my phone number ? - Tempting.
But... no. Thankyou.
I will take this one.
Oh, right, right. So, uh--
Well, on second thoughts, um, maybe it's not that bad after all.
Actually, it's a sort ofa classic, really.
None ofthose childish kebab stories you fi nd in so many books these days.
And, um, I tell you what.
I'll throw in one ofthose for free.
Useful for, uh, lighting fi res,
wrapping fish, that sort ofthing.
- Thanks. - Pleasure.
Cappuccino, as ordered.
Thanks.
I don't thinkyou'll believe who wasjust in here.
Who ? Was it someone famous ?
Would be exciting, though, wouldn't it,
ifsomeone famous came into the shop ? Hmm ?
Do you know-- and this is pretty amazing, actually--
but I once saw Ringo Starr.
- Where was that ? - Kensington High Street.
At least I think it was Ringo.
It might have been that man from Fiddleron the Roof.
- You know, Toppy. - Topol.
Yes, that's right. Topol.
Mm-hmm.
Actually, Ringo Starr doesn't-- doesn't look at all like, uh, Topol.
Yeah, but he was-- he was quite a long way away from me.
So actually it could've been neither ofthem.
Yes, I suppose so, yes.
- It's not a classic anecdote, is it ? - Not a classic, no. No.
- Another one ? - Yes. No.
Let's go crazy. I'll have an orangejuice.
- Oh, my God ! - Bugger ! I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
- Here. Let me-- - Get your hands off !
l'm reallysorry. l-- llivejust overthestreet.
I have, um, water and soap. You can get cleaned up.
No, thankyou. I just need to get my car back.
I also have a phone. I'm confident that in five minutes...
we could have you spick-and-span and back on the street again.
In the non-prostitute sense, obviously.
All right. Well-- What do you mean, "just over the street" ?
- Give it to me in yards. - Uh, 1 8 yards.
That's my house there with the blue front door.
Come on in. I'll just-- I'll just--
Um, right. Right. Come in.
It's, um, not quite as tidy as it normally is, I fear.
But, um-- The bathroom's on the top floor.
And the telephone'sjust-- just up here.
Here. Let-- Let me, um--
Um, round the corner. Straight on-- straight on up.
Bugger.
Would you like a cup oftea before you go ?
- No. - Coffee ?
- No. - Orangejuice ?
Probably not. Um, something else cold.
Coke ? Water ?
Some disgusting sugary drink...
pretending to have something to do with fruits ofthe forest ?
- No. - Would you like something to eat ?
Uh, something to nibble ?
Um, apricots soaked in honey ?
Quite why, no one knows, because it stops them tasting ofapricots...
and makes them taste like honey,
and ifyou wanted honey, you'd just buy honey instead of... apricots.
Um, but nevertheless, there we go there.
They're yours ifyou want them.
Do you always say "no" to everything ?
I'd better be going.
Thanks foryour, uh, help.
You're welcome.
And, uh, may I also say, um, heavenly.
I'll just take my one chance to say it.
Afteryou've read that terrible book,
you're certainly not going to be coming back to the shop.
Thankyou.
Yeah. Well, my pleasure.
So...
it was nice to meet you.
Surreal but, um-- but nice.
Sorry.
"Surreal but nice" ? What was I thinking ?
- I forgot my other bag. - Oh, right. Right.
Thanks.
I'm very sorry about the "surreal but nice" comment.
- Disaster. - That's okay.
I thought the apricot and honey thing was the real low point.
Oh, my God. My flatmate.
I'm sorry. There's no excuse for him.
I'm just going into the kitchen to get some food.
Then I'll tell you a story that will make your balls shrink to the size of raisins.
Probably best not to tell anyone about this.
Right. Right. No one.
I mean, I'll tell myselfsometimes.
But don't worry. I won't believe it.
There's something wrong with this yogurt.
It's not yogurt. It's mayonnaise.
Oh, right. There we are then.
On fora videofest tonight ?
I got some absolute classics.
- Smile. - No.
- Smile. - I've got nothing to smile about.
Okay.
In about seven seconds,
I'm going to askyou to marry me.
lmagine.
Somewhere in the world there's a man who's allowedto kiss her.
Yes, she is, uh,
fairly fabulous.
- Do you have any books by Dickens ? - No.
No, I'm afraid we're a travel bookshop. We only sell travel books.
Oh, right. How about the newJohn Grisham thriller ?
Well, no, 'cause that's, uh-- that's a novel too, isn't it ?
Oh, right.
Have you got Winnie the Pooh ?
Martin, your customer.
Uh, can I help you ?
Just, um, incidentally,
uh, why... are you wearing that ?
Combination offactors really. Uh, no clean clothes.
There never willbe, you know, unlessyou actually cleanyourclothes.
Right. Vicious circle.
And I was, like, rooting around in your things...
and I found this, and I thought "cool."
Kinda... spacey.
There's something wrong with the goggles, though.
No, they were, um, prescription.
-Groovy. -So I could see all the fishes properly.
You should do more ofthis stuff.
- So, look, any messages today ? - Yeah, I wrote a couple down.
So there were two. There were two messages ? Right ?
You want me to write down all your messages ?
Okay, who are the ones that you didn't write down from ?
No. Gone completely.
Oh, no. There was one from your mum.
She said don't forget lunch, and her leg's hurting again.
- No one else ? -Absolutely no one else.
Though ifwe're going for this obsessive writing down all the message thing,
some American girl called Anna called a few days ago.
- What did she say ? - Well, it was genuinely bizarre.
She said, "Hi. It's Anna." Then she said, "Call me at The Ritz"...
and then gave herself a completely different name.
- Which was ? - Absolutely no idea.
Remembering one name's hard enough.
No, I-- I know that. She-- She said that.
Um, I know she's using another name.
The problem is she left the message with my flatmate...
which was a very serious mistake.
Um, I don't know. Imagine, ifyou will, the stupidest person you've ever met.
- Are you doing that ? - Yes, sir, I have him in my mind.
And now double it. And that is the, um-- what can I say--
the git that I am living with.
And he can't remember--
- Try Flintstone. - I'm sorry, what ?
I think she said her name was Flintstone.
I don't-- I don't suppose, um, Flintstone rings any bells, does it ?
- Oh, I'll put you right through, sir. - Oh, my God.
Hello. Hi.
- Hi there. - Hello ?
- Sorry. It's William... Thacker. - Yes ?
Um, we-- I work in a bookshop.
Oh, no, I promise you I've never played anything cool in my entire life.
My flatmate, who'll I'll stab to death later, never gave me the message.
I don't know. Perhaps, um,
I could drop round for tea later or something.
Right. Right. Great.
Classic.
- Which floor ? - Three, please.
Uh, are you sure this is--
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sure.
- Hi. Hi. I'm Karen. - Hi.
I'm sorry. Things are running a little bit late.
Here's the, uh, thing. Do you wanna come this way ?
Through here.
So what did you think ofthe fi lm ?
Yeah, I thought it was fantastic. I thought it was, uh,
Close Encounters meetsJean de Florette.
I agree.
I'm sorry. I didn't get down what magazines you're from.
- Time Out. - Great.
And you're from ?
Horse & Hound.
The name's William Thacker. I think, actually, she might be expecting me.
Oh, okay. Take a seat and I'll go check.
I see you've, uh-- I see you've brought her some flowers.
These are for my, um, grandmother.
She's in a hospital just down the road.
Thought I'd kill two birds with one stone, you know.
Sure, right. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah.
Which hospital's that ?
Do you mind me not saying ? It's a rather distressing disease.
Name ofthe hospital kind of gives it away.
Right, uh, Mr. Thacker. Will you come this way.
Right.
You've got five minutes.
- Hi. - Hello.
Uh, I brought these, but clearly--
No, they're great. They're great.
Ah, listen, I'm sorry about not ringing back.
The whole "two-names concept"...
was totally too much for my flatmate's pea-sized intellect.
No, it's a stupid privacy thing. I always pick a... cartoon character.
Last time I was Mrs. Bambi.
- Everything all right ? - Yes, thankyou.
And you're from, uh, Horse & Hound.
Is that so ? Well.
So, uh--
Uh, I'll just... fi re away then, shall I ?
Right.
The fi lm's great, and, um,
I just was wondering whether...
you ever thought of having, um,
more, uh, horses in it.
Uh, well, we would have liked to,
but it was, um, difficult, obviously, being set in space.
Space, right, yeah. Yeah, obviously very difficult.
I'm so sorry. I arrived outside.
They thrust this thing into my hand--
No, it's my fault. I thought this would all be over by now.
I just wanted to sort ofapologize for the kissing thing.
I seriously don't know what came over me.
And I just wanted to make sure that you were fi ne about it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely fi ne.
Do rememberthat Miss Scott is also keen to talk about hernextproject...
which is, um, shooting later in the summer.
Ah, yes, excellent. Excellent.
Any horses in that one ?
Or hounds for that matter. Our readers are equally intrigued by both species.
It takes place on a submarine.
Oh. Well, bad luck.
But, um,
ifthere were horses in it,
would you be riding them...
or would you be getting, a-- a stunt-horse-double-man-thing ?
I-I'm a complete moron. I apologize. I--
This is very weird. It's the sort ofthing that happens in dreams,
not in reallife.
I mean, good dreams. It's a--
It's a dream, in fact, uh, to see you again.
What happens next in the dream ?
I suppose in the, uh, dream--
dream scenario-- I just, uh,
change my personality...
because you can do that in dreams and, um,
walk overand, uh, kiss thegirl.
But, uh--
Time's up, l'm afraid. Didyouget whatyou wanted?
- Um, nearly, nearly. - Well, maybejust one last question.
- Sure. - Right, right.
Are you... busy tonight ?
- Yes. - Right. Right.
- Come in. - Well, it was nice to meet you.
Yes, and you.
Surreal... but nice.
Thankyou. You are Horse & Hound's favorite actress.
You and Black Beauty...
tied.
How was she ?
Oh, um, fabulous.
Excellent. Wait a minute. She tookyour grandmother's flowers.
Uh, yeah, yeah. That's right.
- Bitch. - Oh, Mr. Thacker.
Mr. Thacker, ifyou'd like to come with me, we can rush you through the others.
The others ?
Mr. Thacker is from Horse & Hound.
- How's it going ? - Very well, thankyou.
Have a seat.
Well, did you enjoy the fi lm ?
Yes, enormously.
- Well, fi re away. - Right.
Did you enjoy making the fi lm ?
- Yes, I did. - Good.
Any bit in particular ?
You tell me what bit you enjoyed the most,
and I'll tell you if I enjoyed making that bit.
Uh, I...
liked the bit in space...
very much.
Didyou identify with the character you'replaying ?
Oh. Why not ?
Because he's playing a psychopathic flesh-eating robot.
Classic.
So, uh,
is this your fi rst fi lm ?
No. It's my 22nd.
Ofcourse it is. Any favorites among the 22 ?
Working with Leonardo.
- Da Vinci ? - DiCaprio.
Ofcourse.
And is-- is he your favorite Italian director ?
- Mr. Thacker. - Oh, no.
- Have you got a minute ? - No.
Um-- Yeah, so the, um--
the-- the thing I was doing tonight, I'm not doing anymore.
I told them I had to spend the evening...
with Britain's premier equestrian journalist.
Oh. Well, great.
Fantastic. That's, uh--
Oh. Shittity brickitty.
It's my sister's birthday. Shit. We're meant to be having dinner.
- Okay, that's fi ne. - No. I'm sure I can get out of it.
No, I mean, if it's fi ne with you, I'll be your date.
You-- You'll be my date...
to my little sister's birthday party ?
- If it's all right. - Well, yeah, l'm sure it's allright.
My friend Max is cooking,
and he is generally acknowledged to be the worst cook in the world.
But, um, you know, you could hide the food in your handbag or something.
- Okay. - Okay.
- He's bringing a girl ? - Miracles do happen.
- Does the girl have a name ? - Don't know. Wouldn't say.
Oh, Christ ! What is going on in there ?
Oh, God !
Hi. Come on in. Vague food crisis.
Hiya ! Sorry.
Theguinea fowlisproving more complicatedthan expected.
- He's cooking guinea-fowl ? - Don't even ask.
Good Lord, you're the spitting image of--
Bella, this is Anna.
- Right. - Okay, crisis over.
Max, this is Anna.
- Hi. - Hello, Anna--
Scott. Have some wine.
Thankyou.
I'll get it.
Red or white ?
- Oh. Hey. - Hi.
- Oh, yes, happy birthday. - Thankyou.
Look, your brother's brought this girl.
Hi, guys.
Oh, holy fuck !
Hon, this is Anna. Anna, this is Honey. She's my baby sister.
Oh. Hi.
Oh, God. This is one ofthose key moments in life...
when it's possible you can be really genuinely cool...
and I-- I'm going to fail just a hundred percent.
I-- I absolutely, totally and utterly adore you.
And I just think... you are the most beautiful woman in the world.
And, more importantly, I genuinely believe,
and I've believed for some time now, that we could be best friends.
So what do you think ?
Uh, lucky me.
Well, happy birthday.
Oh, you gave me a present. We're best friends already then.
Marry Will. He's a really nice guy. Then we can be sisters.
Well, I'll think about it.
That'll be Bernie.
- Hi. - Hi. Sorry I'm late.
Bollocksed up at work again, I fear.
- Millions down the drain. - Well done.
- Bernie, this is Anna. - Hello, Anna. Delighted to meet you.
-And you. -Honey bunny, Happy birthday toyou
- Hi, Bella. - Hi.
Um, it-- it-- it's a hat. You don't have to wear it or anything.
- Hi, Will. - Hi.
- What ?
- Wine, Bernie ? - Mm.
You haven't slept with her, have you ?
That is a cheap question, and the answer is, or course, no comment.
- No comment means "yes." - No, it doesn't.
- Do you ever masturbate ? - Defi nitely no comment.
- You see, it means "yes." - Oh, my God !
So, uh, tell me, um, Anna, what do you do ?
- I'm an actress. - Oh, splendid.
What do you do ?
I'm actually in the stock market myself, so, uh, not really similar fields.
Though, um-- um, I have done the odd bit ofamateur stuff.
Um-- uh, P. G. Wodehouse. Farce, all that, you know.
"Careful there, Vicar."
Always imagined it's a pretty tough job, though, acting.
- The wages are a scandal, aren't they ? - They can be.
I see friends from university-- clever chaps.
Been in the business longer than you.
They're scraping by on seven, eight thousand a year.
You know, it's no life.
- What sort ofacting do you do ? - Films, mainly.
Oh, splendid. Oh, well done. How's the pay in movies ?
I mean, last fi lm you did, what did you get paid ?
Fifteen million dollars.
Right.
So that's, well, fairly good.
Right, lthink we're ready.
Bella, can you tell me where I can fi nd--
Oh, sorry. It's down the corridor on the right.
I'll show you.
Quickly, quickly. Talk very, very quickly.
What are you doing here with Anna Scott ?
- Anna Scott ? - Yes. Shut up !
- What, the fi lm star ? - Shh !
- Oh, God ! - What ?
- Oh, God. Oh, goddy God. - What did you say to her ?
I don't believe it. I actually walked into the loo with her.
I was still chatting when she started unbuttoning herjeans.
- She had to ask me to leave. - Oh, God.
So you knew who she was ?
Ofcourse I did, but he didn't.
Well, not instantly, but I-- I-- I got away with it.
- What do you think ofthe guinea-fowl ? - I'm a vegetarian.
Oh, God.
So, how's the guinea-fowl ?
Best guinea-fowl I've ever tasted.
Havingyou here, Anna, firmly establishes what l've long suspected--
that we really are the most desperate lot of underachievers.
- Shame. - I'm not saying it's a bad thing.
ln fact, lthinkit's something we should takepride in.
I'm gonna give the last brownie as a prize...
to the saddest act here.
- Uh-oh. - Bern.
Yeah, allright. Well, obviously, it's me, isn 't it ?
I mean, I work in the city in a job I don't understand,
and everyone keeps getting promoted above me.
I haven't had a girlfriend since-- well, since puberty.
And... nobody fancies me.
And ifthese cheeks get any chubbier, they never will.
- Nonsense. I fancy you. - Really ?
Yeah. Orldid beforeyougotso fat.
Yousee. Andunless l'm much mistaken,
yourjob still pays you rather a lot of money...
whilst Honey here earns 20 pence a week...
flogging her guts out in London's worst record store.
Yes ! And I haven't got hair. I've got feathers.
And I've got funny goggly eyes. And I'm attracted to cruel men.
And, actually, no one willmarry me...
because, um, my boosies have actually started shrinking.
- Yousee, it's incrediblysad. - But on the otherhand,
her best friend is Anna Scott.
That's true. I can't deny it. She needs me. What can I say ?
And most of her limbs work, whereas I'm stuck in this thing day and night,
in a house full of ramps.
And to add insult to serious injury,
I've totally given up smoking, my favorite thing.
And, um, well, the truth is,
we can't have a baby.
Oh, Belle.
C'est la vie.
Still, um, we're lucky in lots ofways.
But surely that's worth a brownie.
Well, I don't know. Look at William.
- Veryunsuccessfulprofessionally. - That's true.
Divorced. Used to be handsome, now kind ofsquidgy round the edges.
Andabsolutely certain never to hearfromAnna again...
- onceshe's heard that his nickname atschool was-- - Floppy.
You did. I can't believe it, you did.
Thanks very much. Thankyou. Well, at least I get the last brownie.
lthinkso, yes.
Well, wait. What about me ?
I'm sorry ? You thinkyou deserve the brownie ?
Well, a shot at it at least, huh ?
You'll have to prove it. This is a very, very good brownie.
I'm gonna fi ght for it.
I've been on a diet every day since I was 1 9,
which basically means I've been hungry for a decade.
I've had a series of not-nice boyfriends, one ofwhom hit me.
Uh, andeverytime lget my heart broken,
the newspapers splash it about as though it's entertainment.
And... it's taken two rather painful, um, operations...
to get me looking like this.
- Really ? - Really.
Andone day not long from now, my looks willgo,
they will discover I can't act,
and I will become some sad, middle-aged woman...
who... looks a bit like someone who was famous for a while.
No, nice try, gorgeous, but you don't fool anyone.
Pathetic effort to hog the brownie.
- Thankyou for such a terrific time. - I'm delighted.
- That's a great tie. - Now you're lying.
Okay, it's true. I told you I was bad at acting.
- It was lovely to meet you. - Yeah, and you. And you.
I'll wait until you've gone before I tell him you're a vegetarian.
- Good night. - I'm so sorry about the loo thing.
I meant to leave. I just--
Ring me ifyou want someone to go shopping with.
I know lots of nice, cheap places, not that money is necessarily--
It wasjust so nice to meet you.
- Happy birthday. You're my style guru. - Thankyou.
- Sorry. Can I just-- - Oh.
- Thanks. - Leave her.
- Good night, everyone. - Bye.
Max, Belle, we'll see you in a couple ofdays.
- Thankyou, everybody. Call us. - Bye, guys.
- Bye, Anna. - Love your work.
Bye, Hon.
Sorry. They always do that when I leave the house.
It's a stupid thing. I hate it.
- "Floppy," huh ? - It's the hair.
- Mm-hmm. - It's to do with the hair.
Why is she in a wheelchair ?
Uh, because she had an accident about 1 8 months ago.
And the pregnancy thing, is that to do with the accident ?
You know, I'm not sure.
I don't think they tried for kids before, as fate would have it.
Do you want to, um--
My place isjust, um--
Too complicated.
That's fi ne.
Busy tomorrow ?
- I thought you were leaving tomorrow. - I was.
All these streets round here have...
these mysterious communal gardens in the middle ofthem.
- They're like little villages. - Let's go in.
Ah, no, that's the point. They're private villages.
Only the people who live round the edges are allowed in.
Oh. You abide by rules like that ?
I don't. No, no. But others do.
I just do what I want.
Um-- Right.
Whoopsidaisies.
What did you say ?
- Nothing. - Yes, you did.
- No, I didn't. - You said, "Whoopsidaisies."
No one says, "Whoopsidaisies," do they ? I mean, unless they're--
There is no "unless." Because no one has said "Whoopsidaisies" for 50 years.
And even then it was-- it wasjust little girls with blonde ringlets.
Exactly. Right. So here we go again.
Oh ! Oh ! Whoopsidaisies.
Yeah, well, it's a disease. It's a clinical thing.
I'm taking pills and having injections. And I'm told it won't last long.
- Okay, stand aside. - I don't think that's a good idea.
Really, it's quite, um, tricky. Anna.
Anna, don't. It's harder than it-- No, it's not. It's easy.
Come on, Flopsy.
Right.
All right.
Oh, bugger.
Oh, God, this could be very unpleasant.
Ay ! Bugger, bugger.
Now what in the world in this garden could make that ordeal worthwhile ?
Nice garden.
"ForJune who loved this garden.
FromJoseph who always sat beside her."
Some people do spend their whole lives together.
Come and sit with me.
Bollocks ! Bollocks !
- Have you seen my glasses ? - No, afraid not.
Big, big bollocks ! Average day, my glasses are everywhere.
Everywhere I look there's a pair of glasses.
But when I want to go to the cinema, they've vanished.
It's one of life's real cruelties.
That's compared to, like, earthquakes in the Far East or testicular cancer, is it ?
Oh, shit. Is that the time ?
Thanks for all your help on the glasses thing.
Oh, you're welcome. Did you fi nd them ?
- Sort of. - Great.
So who left who ?
- Uh, she left me. - Why ?
- She saw through me. - Uh-oh.
That's not good.
You can give me Anna Scott any day.
I didn't like her last fi lm. Fell asleep as soon as the lights went down.
I don't really care what the fi lm's like.
Any fi lm with her in, it's fi ne by me.
She's not my type at all. lpreferthe otherone.
You know, blonde, sweet-looking.
You know, what's-her-name.
Has an orgasm every time you take her out for a cup ofcoffee.
Meg Ryan.
No, she's too wholesome. Thepoint about Miss Scott is...
she's got that twinkle in her eyes.
Probably drug-induced. Spends most of her life in bloody rehab.
Well, whatever. She's so clearly up forit.
Yousee, mostgirls, they're alllike, "Stay away, chum. "
ButAnna, she is absolutelygagging forit.
Doyou knowthat in over50.% ofthe languages,
the wordfor "actress"is thesame as the wordfor "prostitute" ?
Where didyouget that from ?
AndAnna isyourdefinitive actress,
someone really filthy you canjust flip overandstart again.
- Right, that's it. Sorry. - No, no. There's really no point.
Um, sorry-- sorry to disturb you guys.
- But, um-- - Can I help ?
Well, yeah. I wish I hadn't overheard your conversation, but I did.
And, um, I just think, you know,
thepersonyou're talking about is a realperson.
And I think she probably deserves a little bit more consideration...
rather than havingjerks like you drooling over her.
Oh, sod off, mate. What are you, her dad ?
- I'm sorry. - No, I love that you tried.
Time was I'd have done the same thing. In fact--
Hi.
Oh, my God.
I just wanted to apologize for my friend. He's very sensitive.
Uh, look, I'm sorr--
No, no, leave it. It's, you know-- I'm sure you didn't mean any harm.
I'm sure it wasjust friendly banter.
I'm sure you guys have dicks the size of peanuts. Enjoy your dinner.
The tuna's really good.
I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have done that.
- No, you were brilliant. - I'm rash and I'm stupid.
What am I doing with you ?
Uh, I don't know, I'm afraid.
I don't either.
Here we are.
Yes.
- Well, look-- - Do you wanna come up ?
Well, there seems to be... lots of reasons why I shouldn't, so--
There are lots of reasons.
Do you wanna come up ?
Give me five minutes ?
To be able to do that is such a wonderful thing.
- You've got to go. - Why ?
Because my boyfriend who was in America is, in fact, now in the next room.
- Boyfriend ? - Yes.
- Baby, who is it ? - Uh, it's, uh--
- Uh-- - Uh, room service.
Oh. How you doing ? I thought you guys always wore those, uh, penguin coats.
Usually we do.
But I wasjust, uh-- just changed to go home.
And, um, then I thought I'd take this fi nal call.
Oh, great. Ifyou don't mind, I would like something too.
Could you bring me up some really, really cold water ?
I'll see what I can do.
- Still, not sparkling. - Absolutely. Ice-cold still water.
Unless it's illegal in the U.K. to serve beverages below room temperature.
I wouldn't want you going tojail just to satisfy my whim, now.
- No, I'm sure it's fi ne. - Thankyou.
Hey, one more thing.
Could you adios these dirty dishes and take out that trash too ?
- Uh-- - Right.
No. No. Um, don't-- don't-- don't do that.
I don't think it's hisjob to clear.
Oh, l'm sorry. l'm sorry. What'syourname, man ?
Bernie.
Oh, listen, Bernie.
Thankyou. I really appreciate it.
Hey, you.
So, tell me. Tell me, tell me. Good surprise or nasty surprise ?
- Good surprise. - Oh, you're such a liar.
She hates surprises. Hey, what areyougonna order?
- Huh ? - From him. What are you gonna order ?
Um, I haven't decided yet.
Oh, well, don't overdo it.
I don't want people saying, "There goes that famous actor with the big, fat girlfriend."
I should leave.
This is a fairly strange reality to be faced with.
I'm so sorry.
I don't know...
what to say.
Well,
I think, um,
"good-bye" is traditional.
Come on.
Open up.
This is me. Spikey.
I'm in contact with some quite important spiritual vibrations.
Come on. Hit me with it.
- There's this girl-- - Aha.
See, I been gettin' a female vibe. Good.
Speak on, dear friend.
She's someone who...
can't be mine, and, uh,
it's as if I've taken love heroin, and now I can't ever have it again.
I've opened Pandora's box and there's trouble inside.
Yeah.
Tricky.
I knew a girl at school called Pandora.
Never got to see her box or--
Right.
Right. Thanks. That's very helpful.
You didn't know she had a boyfriend ?
Why ? Did you ?
Oh, bloody hell. ldon't believe it.
My whole life ruinedbecause ldon't read Hello magazine.
Let's face facts. This was always a no-win situation.
Anna's... a goddess.
You know what happens to mortals who get involved with the gods.
- Buggered, is it ? - Every time.
But don't despair. lthinklhave thesolution toyourproblems.
- Really ? - Mm-hmm. Her name is Tessa.
She works in the Contracts Department.
The hair, I admit, is unfashionably frizzy,
but she's bright as a button and kisses like a nymphomaniac on death row.
Apparently.
Now... try.
lgot completely lost.
lt's verydifficult, isn 't it ? Everything'sgot the word "Kensington"in it.
Kensington Park Road. Kensington Garden. Kensington bloody Park Garden.
- Tessa, this is Bella, my wife. - Hello.
- You're in a wheelchair. - That's right.
And this is William.
- Hello, William. - Hi.
- Max has told me everything about you. - Has he ?
Oh, yes. You are a naughty boy.
- Wine ? - Oh, yes, please.
Come on, Willie. Let's get sloshed.
- Red or white ? - Red.
Keziah.
- Some woodcock ? - No, thankyou. I'm a fruitarian.
What is a fruitarian, exactly ?
We believe that fruits and vegetables have feelings,
so we think cooking is cruel.
We only eat things that have actually fallen from the tree or bush,
that are, in fact, dead already.
Ah. Oh, right.
Right.
So, um, these carrots ?
- Have been murdered, yes. - Murdered.
Poor old carrots. That's--
That's beastly.
Delicious coffee.
I'm sorry about the lamb.
No. I thought it was... really, you know, interesting.
Interesting means inedible.
Really inedible. Yes, you're right.
Well, maybe we'll meet again.
Yeah, yeah. That would be, uh--
be great.
Bye.
Well ?
Perfect.
Absolutely perfect.
And ?
I thinkyou've forgotten what an unusual situation you two have.
To fi nd someone you actually... love, who'll love you.
The chances are always minuscule.
Look at me.
Apart from the American, I've only loved two girls, both total disasters.
- That's not fair. - One ofthem marries me, then leaves me...
fasterthanyou can say "lndianaJones. "
And the other-- who seriously ought to have known better--
casually marries my best friend.
- She still loves you, though. - In a depressingly asexual way.
I never fancied you much, actually.
Oh, God.
I loved you. You were terribly funny, but...
all that kissing my ears.
ldon't believe it. This isjustgetting worse.
I shall fi nd myself 30 years from now still sitting on this sofa.
- Do you wanna stay ? - Yeah. Why not ?
All that awaits me at home is a masturbating Welshman.
Here we go.
- Good night. - Night.
- See you. - Right.
Guilty. Very, very guilty.
So it seems.
Hi.
Can I come in ?
Come in.
They were taken years ago.
I know it was--
But I was poor and-- It happens a lot.
That's not an excuse. I just--
But to make matters worse,
it now appears as though...
someone was fi lming me as well.
So what was a stupid photo shoot...
now looks like a porn fi lm.
The pictures have been sold and they'rejust...
everywhere.
I didn't know where to go.
The hotel's surrounded.
I know it's been months, but--
This is the place.
Thankyou.
I'm just in London...
for two days, but what with your papers,
it's the worst place to be.
These pictures arejust so horrible, and they're so grainy.
It makes me look like--
Don't think about it.
We'll sort it out.
What would you like ? Tea ?
Bath ?
A bath would be great.
Oh, Christ alive !
Brilliant. Fantastic.
Magnificent.
You must be Spike.
- Hi. -Just...
checkin'.
Thankyou, God.
I'm really sorry about last time.
- Oh-- - Hejust flew in.
- I had no idea. - All right.
In fact, I had no idea if he was ever gonna fly in again.
It's not often one has the opportunity to adios...
the plates of a major Hollywood fi lm star.
It was, um-- It was thrilling for me.
So how is he ?
I don't know.
Itjust got to the point...
where I couldn't remember any ofthe reasons why we were together.
And you and love ?
Oh, well, there's a question, um,
without an interesting answer.
I have thought about you.
- Oh. - lt'sjust that...
any time I've tried to keep...
anything normal with a person that was...
normal, it'sjust been a disaster.
Listen, I appreciate that. Absolutely.
So what is that, a filmyou're doing ?
Um, start in L.A. on Tuesday.
Would you like me to take you through your lines ?
Would you ? 'Cause it's all talk, talk, talk.
Hand it over.
Right. Um, basic plot ?
I'm a difficult but brilliant junior officer...
who in about 20 minutes is gonna save the world from nuclear disaster.
Mm-hmm. Okay. Well done, you.
"Message from Command. Would you like them to send in the H.K.'s ?"
No. Turn over four T.R.S.'s and tell them we need radar feedback...
before the K.F.T.'s return at 1 900.
Then inform the Pentagon we'll need Black Star cover from 1 000 through 1 2 1 5.
Andifyousay one wordabout howmany mistakes lmade in thatspeech, l'llpeltyou with olives.
- Very well, Captain. I'll pass that on straightaway. - Thankyou.
- How many mistakes did I make ? - Eleven.
- Damn it. And Wainwright-- - Cartwright.
Cartwright, Wainwright, whateveryour name is,
I promised littleJimmy I'd be home for his birthday,
so could you get a message to him that I may be late.
Certainly. And, uh, littleJohnny ?
- My son's name isJohnny ? - Yep.
- Then get a message to him too. - l'lldo what lcan, Captain,
but lcan'tpromise anything.
And Cartwright goes.
- What do you think ? - Gripping. lt's notJaneAusten.
It's not HenryJames, but it's... gripping.
- Think I should do HenryJames instead? - You would be brilliant.
But this writer-- writers-- they'repretty damngoodtoo.
You never get anyone on Wings ofthe Dove saying,
"Inform the Pentagon we need Black Star cover."
For me the book is the poorer for it.
I can't believe you have that picture.
You like Chagall ?
I do. It feels like how love should be--
floating through a dark blue sky.
With agoat, playing a violin.
Well, yes.
Happiness isn't happiness without a violin-playing goat.
You have big feet.
Yes. Yes, always have had.
You know what they say about men with big feet.
No. What's that ?
Uh, big feet,
large... shoes.
The thing that is so irritating...
is that now I'm so fierce when it comes to nudity clauses.
You actually have... clauses in your contract about nudity ?
Defi nitely.
"You may show the dent ofthe top ofthe artist's buttocks, but neither cheek."
Orifthere's a stunt bottom being used...
"artist must have full consultation."
- You have a stunt bottom ? - I could have a stunt bottom, yes.
Are people tempted to go for better bottoms than their own?
Yeah. I would. This is important stuff.
It's one hell ofa job, isn't it ? What do you put on your passport ?
"Profession: Mel Gibson's bottom."
Actually, Mel does his own ass work.
- Right. - Why wouldn't he ?
- Absolutely. - It's delicious.
What, the ice cream or Mel Gibson's bottom ?
Both. Equally.
But you wouldn't necessarily lick both ?
Well, this is tart.
And fuzz-free.
And, uh--
Bedroom. There's clean sheets.
Today's been a good day,
which in the circumstances is...
unexpected.
Thankyou.
Anyway, um,
time for bed.
Or sofa bed.
Good night.
Oh, my God.
Hello ?
Hello.
-Spike. -I wonder if I could have a little word.
- Right. - I don't want to interfere or anything,
but she'sjust split up from her boyfriend, right ?
- Maybe. - And she's in your house.
- Yes. - And you get on very well.
- Yes. - Well, isn't this, perhaps,
a nice opportunity to...
slip her one.
Spike, for God's sakes. She's in trouble. Get a grip.
You think it's the wrong moment. Fair enough.
- Do you mind if I have a go ? - Spike !
- Okay. - I'll talk to you in the morning.
Okay. Might be too late, but okay.
Please, sod off.
- Okay. All right. - No. No, no !
Wait ! I thought you were, um, someone else.
I thought you were Spike. I'm thrilled that you're not.
Wow.
What ?
Nothing.
lt does strike me as,
well, surreal that I'm allowed to see you naked.
- You and every person in this country. - I'm sorry.
What is it about men and nudity, huh ?
Particularly breasts.
- Howcanyou beso interestedin them ? - Well--
But, seriously, they'rejust breasts.
Every second person in the world has them.
More than that, when you think about it. Meat Loaf has a very nice pair.
But they're odd-looking.
They're for milk. Your mother has them.
You've seen a thousand ofthem. What's all the fuss about ?
Actually, I can't think what it is, really.
Let mejust have a quick look.
Nope, nope. Beats me.
Rita Hayworth used to say,
"They go to bed with Gilda, they wake up with me."
- Who was Gilda ? - Her most famous part.
Men went to bed with the dream,
and they didn't like it when they woke up with the reality.
Do you feel that way ?
You are lovelier this morning than you have ever been.
I'll be right back.
Breakfast in bed.
- Oh. - Or it's brunch or lunch or something.
My God.
Can I stay a bit longer ?
Stay forever.
Okay. Oh. Forgot thejam.
I'll get thejam, you get the door.
Jesus Christ.
What ?
What is it ?
- Nothing, really. - You're up to something.
Anna, no, please!
My God. And they got a picture ofyou dressed like that.
Yes.
Undressed like this, yeah.
- Morning, darling ones. - It's me. The press are here.
No, there are hundreds ofthem.
My brilliant plan was not so brilliant. I know.
I know. I know. Just get over here.
Damn it.
- Um, I wouldn't go outside. - Why not ?
-Just take my word for it. - Oh.
How did I look ? Not bad.
Not at all bad. Well-chosen briefs, I'd say.
Chicks love grey.
Nice fi rm buttocks.
How are you doing ?
How do you think I'm doing ?
- I don't know what happened. - I do.
Your furry friend thought he'd make a buck telling the papers where I was.
- That's not true. - Really ?
The entire British press got up this morning and thought, "I know where Anna Scott is.
She's in that house with the blue door in Notting Hill."
Then you go out in your goddamn underwear !
-I went out in my goddamn underwear too. -Get out !
Sorry.
- I'm so sorry. - This is such an unbelievable mess.
I come to you to protect myself against more crappy gossip,
and now I've landed in it all over again.
For God's sake, I've got a boyfriend !
- You have ? - As far as they're concerned I do.
And now, tomorrow there'll be pictures ofyou in every newspaper from here to Timbuktu !
I know that, but... just let's stay calm.
You stay calm ! This is a perfect situation foryou, isn't it?
Minimum input, maximum publicity.
Everywhere you go, people will say, "Well done, you.
You slept with that actress. We saw the pictures."
- That is spectacularly unfair. - That's yours.
Maybe it'll even help business.
Buy a boring book about Egypt from the guy that screwed Anna Scott.
Stop ! Stop ! I beg you !
Calm down. How about a cup oftea ?
I don't want a goddamn cup oftea.
I just wanna go home.
Spike, see who that is, andputsome clothes on, forGod's sake.
Looks like a chauffeur to me.
Spike owes you an expensive dinner or holiday,
depending who's got the brains to get the going rate on betrayal.
That is not true. Wait a minute.
This is crazy behaviour.
Can't wejust laugh about all this ?
Seriously. In the huge sweep ofthings, this stuff doesn't matter.
What he's gonna say next is there's people starving in the Sudan.
Well, there are, and we don't have to go anywhere near that far.
My best friend slipped down stairs, cracked her back...
and she's in a wheelchair for the rest of her life.
All I'm asking for is a normal amount of perspective.
You're right. Ofcourse, you're right.
It'sjust that I've dealt with this garbage for ten years.
You've had it for ten minutes.
Our perspectives are very different.
Today's newspapers will be lining tomorrow's wastepaper bin.
- Excuse me ? - You know.
It'sjust one day.
Tomorrow, today's papers will all have been thrown out.
You really don't get it.
This story will be fi led.
Every time anyone writes anything about me, they'll dig up these photos.
Newspapers last forever.
I'll regret this forever.
Right.
I will feel the opposite,
ifthat's okay by you, and, uh,
always be glad that you... came to stay.
But, um, you're probably right.
You better go.
Was it you ?
I may have told a few people down at the pub.
Right.
Have I got something foryou. Something which will make you love me so much,
you will want to hug me every day for the rest of my life.
Blimey. What is it ?
Phone number ofAnna Scott's agent in London...
and her agent in New York.
Listen, you think about her all the time. Now you can ring her.
Yeah. Brilliant. Thanks.
I'll see you tonight. Hey, Marty. Ooh ! Sexy cardi.
Shh ! Hello ! I have a little speech to make.
I won't stand up because I can't... be bothered.
Exactly a year ago today, this man here started the fi nest restaurant in London.
- Hear, hear. - Thankyou very much.
Unfortunately, no one ever came to eat here.
It's a tiny hiccup.
And so we have to face the fact that from next week,
we must fi nd somewhere new to eat.
I just want to say to Tony... don't take it personally.
The more I think about things, the more I see no rhyme or reason in life.
No one knows why some things work out and some things don't.
Whysome ofusget lucky...
- andsome ofus-- - Get fi red.
- What ? - No !
Yeah, well, it seems they're shifting the whole outfit...
much more towards the emerging markets.
And, ofcourse, well, l was totalcrap, so--
A toast to Bernie-- the worst stockbroker in the whole world.
I thankyou. And Tony, the worst restaurateur.
- Tony and Bernie. Both crap... - The terrible two.
in their own special ways.
Since it's an evening ofannouncements,
uh, I've also got one.
Um, I've decided to get engaged.
l've foundmyselfa nice, slightly odd-looking bloke...
who I know is gonna make me happy for the rest of my life.
Wait a sec. I mean, I--
I'm your brother. I don't know anything about this. Is he--
Is he fi nancially viable ?
He's an artist... with brilliant prospects.
This is a secret you've been keeping from me.
By the way, it's you.
- Me ? - What do you think ?
Well, yeah.
Groovy.
Excuse me. Are there any more announcements ?
Well, actually, yes.
lfeellshould apologize to everyone...
for my behaviour over the last six months.
I have, as you know, been somewhat down in the mouth.
There's an understatement. There are dead people on better form.
But I just wish to make it clear that I've turned a corner,
and, um, henceforward intend to be impressively happy.
Without a love ofmy own
-Blue moon -Ba-boom, ba-boom
You knewjust what l was there for
Oh, God. I'm horribly drunk.
You heardmesaying aprayerfor
- Come here. -Ba-boom, ba-boom
Someone lreally could care for
So you've laid the ghost ?
I believe I have.
Don't give a damn about the famous girl?
No.
No, I don't think I do.
Which means you won't be distracted by the fact that she's back in London...
grasping her Oscar...
and currently to be found fi lming, most days, on Hampstead Heath.
Oh, God, no.
So not overher, in fact.
- Can I help you ? - Yeah, I'm, um--
- I'm looking for Anna Scott. - Does she know you're coming ?
No. No, uh, she doesn't.
- I'm afraid I can't let you through. - Right.
I mean, I am actually a friend. I'm not a lunatic, but--
- No, you basically, er-- - Can't let you through, sir.
Well, this is, uh--
I only found out you were here yesterday.
- I was going to call, but I-- - Uh, Anna.
Yes. Um--
Things aren't going very well, and it's our last day.
Absolutely, yeah. You're clearly very busy.
But if-- ifyou could wait,
there are... things to say.
Okay.
Drink tea. There's lots oftea.
Come and have a look.
Are you a fan of HenryJames ?
- This is a HenryJames fi lm ? - Yeah.
This is, uh, Harry.
He'll give you a pair of headphones so you can hear the dialogue.
- Thankyou very much. - Noproblem.
- Hi. - Hi. Here we go.
- Volume's on the side. Have a seat. - Thankyou.
We are living in cloud cuckoo land. We'll never get this done today.
We've got to. I have to be in New York on Thursday.
Oh, stop showing off. God, that's an enormous ass.
- I'm not listening. - But seriously, it's not fair.
So many tragic young teenagers with anorexia...
and that girl has an ass she could perfectly well share around...
with at least ten other women and still be big-bottomed.
I would think, looking at something nice like that,
you andyour... bony little excuse foran arse...
would be well advised to keep quiet.
Nowdown to business. The endofthescene.
Um, I askyou when you're telling everyone, and you say--
Um, tomorrow will be soon enough.
And then I-- Right. Okay.
Say, who was that rather diffident chap I saw you talking to round the back ?
No one.
Just some guy from the past. I--
It's a bit ofan awkward situation. I don't know what he's doing here.
'Course.
Thanks. I've got to, um--
Any time.
Ladies andgentlemen, can we haveyou onyourfirst marks ?
Onyourfirst marks !
Uh, I-I do hate to disturb you whilst you're cooking the books,
but, uh, there's a delivery foryou.
Martin, really. Can't you just do it yourself?
But you see, this is not for the shop. This is foryou.
Right. Okay.
Tell me, if I employ a wet rag, would I have to pay it as much as I pay you ?
Hi.
Hello.
You disappeared.
Yeah. Yeah. Um--
I had to leave. I didn't want to disturb.
- How have you been ? - Fine, fi ne. Everything much the same.
When they change the law, Spike and I will marry immediately.
Whereas you, I've watched in wonder.
- Awards, glory. - Oh, no.
It's-- It's all nonsense, believe me.
I'd no idea how much nonsense it was, but...
nonsense it all is.
Well, um--
Yesterday was our last day offi lming, so... I'm leaving.
But, um--
I brought this foryou from home,
so I thought I'd give it to you.
Thankyou.
Shall I--
Oh, no, don't open it now. I'll be embarrassed.
Well, thankyou. I don't know what it's for, but thanks anyway.
Actually, I had it in my apartment, and I thought you'd--
But when it came to it, I didn't know how to call,
having behaved so badly.
Twice.
So it'sjust been sitting in the hotel.
Then you came and... I fi gured--
The thing is--
What ? What is the thing ?
Don't even think about it. Go away immediately.
- Go away. - Right.
Sorry.
You were saying ?
Yes.
I have to go away today, but I...
wondered if I didn't...
whetheryou might let me see you a little,
or... a lot, maybe.
See ifyou could like me again.
But yesterday that actor asked you who I was,
and you just dismissed me out of hand.
I heard.
You hada microphone. lhadheadphones.
You expect me to tell the truth about my life...
to the most indiscreet man in England ?
Uh, excuse me.
It's your mother on the phone.
Will you tell her I'll ring her back ?
I've actually tried that tack, but she said you've said that once before,
and it's now been about 24 hours...
and the foot that was purple is now sort of blackish in colour and--
Right, right. Yeah. Perfect timing, as ever.
Martin, hold the fort a second.
Uh, yes. Allright.
Um, couldljustsay--
I thought Ghost was the most wonderful fi lm.
- Is that right ? - Oh, yes.
Um, I've always wondered...
what Patrick Swayze's like in-- in-- in real life.
I can't say that I know Patrick all that well.
He wasn't that friendly during fi lming ?
Well, l'm sure he wasfriendly to DemiMoore who acted with him in Ghost.
Oh. Oh, right.
Sorry.
Always been a bit ofan ass.
Um, anyway-- Um--
Well, it was lovely to meet you.
I'm a huge, huge fan ofyours.
AndDemi's, ofcourse.
Sorry.
That's fi ne.
There's always a pause when thejury goes out to consider their verdict.
Anna, look, um--
I'm a fairly levelheaded bloke,
not often in and out of love.
But, uh--
Can I just say no to your...
kind request and, uh, leave it at that ?
Yes.
Fine. Ofcourse. I--
Ofcourse.
I'll just be going, then. It was nice to see you.
The thing is,
with you I'm in real... danger.
It seems like a... perfect situation,
apart from that foul temper ofyours, but...
my relatively inexperienced heart would, I fear, not...
recover, uh, if I was...
once again cast aside, as I would absolutely expect to be.
There arejust too many pictures ofyou, too many fi lms.
You'd go and I'd be, uh,
well, buggered, basically.
That really is a real no, isn't it ?
I live in Notting Hill. You live in... Beverly Hills.
Everyone in the world knows who you are.
My mother has trouble remembering my name.
Fine.
Fine. Good decision. Good decision.
The fame thing isn't really real, you know ?
And don't forget I'm--
I'm alsojust a girl...
standing in front ofa boy...
asking him to love her.
Goodbye.
So what do you think ? Good move ?
Yeah, good move.
I mean, when all's said and done, she's nothing special.
I saw her taking her trousers down,
and I defi nitely glimpsed some cellulite down there.
Good decision, yeah.
All actresses are as mad as snakes.
- Tones, what do you reckon ? - Never met her, never want to.
- Brilliant. Max ? - Absolutely. Never trust a vegetarian.
Great. Thanks. Brilliant.
I was called and I came. What's up ?
William'sjust turned down Anna Scott.
You daft prick.
No, no. No, no, it's actually quite sensible.
Thatpainting isn 't the original, is it ?
Um, you know, lthinkit might be, yeah.
But she said she wanted to go out with you.
- Yeah. - Well, that's nice.
What ?
Well, you know,
anyone saying they wanna go out with you is pretty great, isn't it ?
It was...
sort of... sweet, actually.
Um, I mean, I know she's an actress and all that...
so she can... deliver a line, but, um,
she said she might be as famous as she can be,
but also that she was...
just a girl...
standing in front ofa boy...
asking him... to love her.
Oh, sod a dog. I've made the wrong decision, haven't I ?
Yeah.
Max, how fast is your car ?
- Good luck ! - Ifanyone gets in our way, we have small nuclear devices.
- Where to ? - All I can think is The Ritz.
- Where's Bella ? - She's not coming.
- Oh, sod that. Bernie, in the back. - What ?
Max, I'm okay.
Come on, babe.
Which way are you going ?
Down Kensington Church Street, then Knightsbridge, then Hyde Park Corner.
- No, crazy. Go along Bayswater. - That's right. Then Park Lane.
No, straight down to the Cromwell Road, then left.
Stop right there ! I will decide the route. All right ?
Sorry, Max.
James Bond never has to put up with this sort ofshit.
Turn right !
- I can't. It's one way. - Do a U-turn.
Oh, sod it. Hold on.
Brilliant !
Bloody hell, this is fun !
Sorry.
Hi. Is Miss Scott staying here ?
- No, sir. - How 'bout Miss Flintstone ?
- No, sir. - Uh, Bambi ?
- No, sir. - Or, um--
I don't know. Beavis or Butthead ?
No, sir.
Thanks. Thanks.
There was a Miss Pocahontas,
but she checked out about an hour ago.
I believe she's holding a press conference at the Savoy...
before flying to America.
We have liftoff.
You have message for Takiama ?
I'll just check, sir.
Bugger this for a bunch of bananas.
Stop ! Stop ! Stop ! Stay there ! Go ! Go !
Whoa, whoa, whoa !Hang on !
Come on ! No ! Wait ! Wait there !
Come on ! Come on ! Wait !
Whoa, whoa, whoa ! Go on ! Through, through !
You're my hero !
Whoa ! Down, boy.
Excuse me.
- Yes ? - Where's the press conference, please ?
- Are you an accredited member ofthe press ? - Yep.
- There you go. - That's a Blockbuster Video membership card, sir.
That's right. I work for their in-house magazine.
- MoviesAre OurBusiness. - I'm sorry, sir.
- He's with me. - And you are ?
Writing an article on how London hotels treat people in wheelchairs.
Yes, ofcourse, madam. It's in the Lancaster Room.
Though I'm afraid you're rather late.
Run !
Does this mean that Miss Scott willnot bepublicizing hernext film ?
No, it absolutely does not mean that.
She'llbe abiding by allherpresent commitments.
Shejust won't be making any more forthe nextyear.
When will the film be released?
At the moment, theplan is to release in America...
towards the endofthe autumn,
and over here around Christmas or early in the new year.
Right! Dominic.
Anna, how much longer are you staying in the U.K., then ?
No time at all. I leave tonight.
Which is why we have to roundthings up now, so finalquestions, please.
Yes. Lady there.
lsyourdecision to take ayearoffanything to do...
with the rumors aboutJeff and his present leading lady ?
- Absolutely not. - Do you believe the rumors ?
Well, it's really not my business anymore.
Though l willsay, from my experience, rumors aboutJeffdo tendto be true.
Yeah. The last time you were here, there were some fairly graphic photographs...
taken ofyou with a young English guy.
So, uh, what happenedthere ?
He wasjust a friend. We're still friends, I think.
Right, um--
Yes. Gentleman in the pink shirt.
Yes. Miss Scott,
are there any circumstances in which...
the two ofyou...
might be more than just good friends ?
I hoped there would be, but no, I'm... assured there aren't.
- But what would you say if-- - Sorry.Just the one question, please.
No, it's all right. You were saying ?
I wasjust wondering if, uh,
it turnedout that thisperson, uh--
Thacker. His name was Thacker.
Thanks, thanks.
I just wondered whether if...
Mr. Thacker realized he'd been a daft prick...
and got down on his knees and... begged you to reconsider,
whetheryou would, in fact, then...
reconsider ?
Yes, I believe I would.
That's very good news. Um--
The readers of Horse & Hound will be absolutely delighted.
Right. Uh, Dominic, ifyou'd like to askyour question again ?
Yeah ? Anna, howlong areyou intending to stay here in Britain ?
Indefi nitely.
- What happened ? - It was good.